THE TWO WONDERS: How the Words You Use Today Shape the Parents Your Children Become Tomorrow

You know that feeling when you're drowning in the daily chaos of parenting - the negotiations over vegetables, the battles over bedtime, the endless "but WHY?" questions - and you just want someone to tell you you're doing it right?

Here's what I've learned after 30+ years working with families: sometimes the answer isn't about doing it "right." Sometimes it's about stepping back far enough to remember what you're actually doing.

The Astronaut's View of Parenting

When astronauts see Earth from space for the first time, something profound happens. They experience what researchers call the "overview effect" - this overwhelming sense of awe and interconnectedness that permanently shifts how they see everything. Borders disappear. Problems feel smaller. The whole becomes visible in a way it never was from the ground.

As parents, we have access to our own version of this transformative view. And it starts with a single word: wonder.

"Wonder before you worry" is the tagline of Investigative Parenting, and I've been using it for years. But here's what I only recently realized - that word "wonder" holds two equally powerful meanings, and we need both of them to survive parenting without losing ourselves.

The first meaning is curiosity: "I wonder what's happening for my child right now." This is the active, in-the-moment investigation that helps us see behavior as communication rather than problems to fix. Your toddler isn't trying to make you late - they're learning autonomy and testing boundaries and figuring out how much control they have over their world.

But there's a second meaning that's just as transformative: standing back in wonder and awe at the extraordinary, miraculous, completely insane process of raising a developing human being.

That's your parental overview effect. And it changes everything.

We're Wired to Help (But Not All Help Is Created Equal)

I just finished Dr. Martin Seligman's Foundations of Positive Psychology course at the University of Pennsylvania, and one piece of research stopped me in my tracks.

Seligman - the guy who basically invented positive psychology - gets asked all the time by people struggling with depression: "What's the ONE thing I can do to feel happier?"

His answer? "Go out the door, find someone who needs help, and help them."

The research is clear: we're wired for generosity. Helping others, being philanthropic, genuinely increases our well-being. It's not just feel-good fluff - it's neuroscience.

So here's my question: If helping people makes us happier, why does parenting - which is basically 18+ years of constant helping - leave so many of us feeling completely depleted?

I think I know the answer. And it has everything to do with the words we use.

Helpful Help vs. Unhelpful Help

In my work with families of children birth-to-3, I see two distinct patterns play out. And the difference between them isn't just about outcomes for kids - it's about whether parents experience their work as energizing or exhausting.

Pattern One: Unhelpful Help

These are the parents who say things like:

• "Oh, Mommy has to do that"

• "Let me get that toy for you"

• "That's too hard for you, sweetie"

• "Here, I'll do it so we don't make a mess"

They think they're being helpful. They think they're making life easier for their kids. And in the short term, they are! It IS faster to cut the sandwich yourself. It IS neater to serve the mashed potatoes without letting a 2-year-old wield a giant spoon.

But here's what happens: these kids become more passive, less confident, more dependent. They learn that struggle should be avoided, that mistakes are bad, that the safest bet is to wait for an adult to do it for them.

And the parents? They're exhausted. Because unhelpful help requires endless repetition.

You're doing the same tasks over and over without the satisfaction of watching capability grow. You're creating dependence, not building skills.

Pattern Two: Helpful Help

These are the parents who say things like:

• "Yes, you can!"

• "You do it - I'm here if you need help"

• "That's tricky - want to try together?"

• "You can use this special knife to cut your sandwich"

And something magical happens: their kids are willing to try things on their own. They make mistakes, laugh a little about it, and learn. They develop the kind of resilience and confidence that carries them through life.

And the parents? They get the well-being boost that comes from actual philanthropy. They're not just managing daily tasks - they're shepherding human development. They're building capabilities that will ripple forward for generations.

That's meaningful work. That sustains you.

The Mealtime Battle That Isn't

Let me give you a concrete example because I know this all sounds theoretical when you're dealing with an actual screaming toddler.

Mealtime battles. Nearly every parent I work with struggles with them at some point.

The standard approach? Parents cut the sandwich, serve perfect portions, manage every detail to avoid mess and conflict. They think they're being helpful.

But here's the paradox - this "helpful" approach often creates the very battles they're trying to prevent. Kids push back, refuse to eat, turn meals into power struggles.

Meanwhile, what looks like the "less helpful" approach - letting a 2-year-old struggle with a child-safe plastic knife to cut their own PB&J, letting them scoop a heaping spoonful of mashed potatoes onto their plate (yes, some will end up on the floor) - actually reduces conflict and builds competence.

The words reveal the difference:

"Let me do that so we don't make a mess" = I'm prioritizing my ease over your growth

"You can use this special knife to cut your sandwich" = I believe you're capable, here are the tools

One creates dependence. One builds agency. And both affect how sustainable parenting feels for YOU.

Raising the Future (No Pressure!)

Here's something I thought about constantly while raising my own five kids: I was raising "the future."

The lasting effects of loving my kids, helping them, guiding them in the best way I could - all of that would be eternal. If I did it "right" with them, they'd go on to be loving, supportive, caring parents to my grandchildren. Who would then extend that forward in ways I'll never fully see.

That's philanthropy on a multi-generational scale.

But here's where words become absolutely crucial: the specific language we use today becomes the internal voice our children carry into their own parenting.

The toddler who hears "Yes you can" grows up to be the parent who says those same words to their own children. The child who hears "Let me do that for you" either repeats that pattern or spends years struggling against it.

Your legacy isn't just in the big parenting decisions - whether to breastfeed, which school to choose, how to handle discipline. Your legacy is in the daily language that becomes your children's internal script.

Everything we do with our children matters. (No pressure, parents! Ha!)

But seriously - as a word person (I always say I'm a word person, not a numbers person, since I'm terrible at math), I truly believe words matter so much.

The Two Perspectives

The words we choose reveal which perspective we're operating from:

Ground Level (overwhelmed by details): "My child won't cooperate. This is exhausting. Why is everything a battle?"

Overview Effect (awed by the whole): "I'm witnessing my child learn autonomy - one of the most extraordinary developmental processes in human existence."

Same tantrum. Same power struggle. Same spilled mashed potatoes.

One crushes you. One sustains you.

When you can step back from "why won't my toddler eat vegetables" to see the miraculous unfolding of a human being learning to feed themselves, make choices, assert preferences, develop taste - that's when the shift happens.

You're not just managing a difficult child. You're shepherding a developing human through an awe-inspiring process.

That reframe transforms parenting from burden to privilege, from depletion to the kind of meaningful helping that actually increases your well-being.

Wonder as Your Parenting Superpower

This is why both meanings of "wonder" matter so much.

Wonder as curiosity keeps you present and investigative in the moment: "I wonder what's happening for my child right now. What are they learning? What are they communicating through this behavior?"

Wonder as awe keeps you connected to the bigger picture: "I stand back in wonder at this developing human and the profound responsibility I have to shepherd them well."

You need both. Curiosity without awe leaves you stuck in the weeds. Awe without curiosity becomes distant and detached.

Together? They create sustainable parenting that feels like what it actually is - meaningful work that extends beyond your lifetime.

Your Challenge This Week

Notice the language you use with your children and the internal dialogue you have about parenting.

Are your words revealing helpful help or unhelpful help?

Are you operating from ground level or accessing the overview effect?

When your child struggles with something, what's your first instinct? To rescue or to support? To do it for them or to provide tools and encouragement?

And here's the big one: How do you talk to yourself about parenting? Is your internal voice crushing you with impossible standards, or reminding you of the awe-inspiring work you're actually doing?

Remember - you're not just raising a child. You're raising the future. The words you speak today become your child's internal voice tomorrow, which becomes how they parent your grandchildren.

Stand back in wonder at that extraordinary responsibility. Let awe sustain you through the daily struggles.

Choose helpful help that builds capability rather than dependence.

Choose words that reveal the overview effect rather than ground-level overwhelm.

Choose wonder - both curiosity and awe - as your parenting superpower.

Because the research is clear: we're wired for generosity, wired to help, wired to find meaning in shepherding others toward growth. When we align our parenting with that wiring - when we offer the kind of help that actually helps - we don't just raise thriving kids.

We thrive too.

© 2025 Cynthia Z. Stevens Copeland, MS CCC-SLP. All rights reserved. Cynthia is a speech-language pathologist with 30+ years of experience in early intervention and the founder of Right Track Parenting. She helps parents understand child development through the lens of "wonder before you worry." Connect with her on LinkedIn and Instagram.